There are a few fears that every client, every boss, and every manager, everywhere in the world, who has ever hired anyone to do anything has, and that is: the person he’s managing (that’s you!) just doesn’t understand what he’s trying to say, particularly the more subtle nuances.
The solution? Small best practices magnify each other in power, exponentially. There are many small things you can do to make it clear that you understand them, and one way is to just repeat back to them every semi-complex thing that they say, and perhaps everything that’s blindly obvious as well. Imagine you hire an architect to design your dream house.
Compare this scenario:
You: I want exposed brick walls, but not too exposed.
Your architect: [Stares blankly at you]
To this scenario:
You: I want exposed brick walls, but not too exposed
Your architect: Hmph, okay. Let me translate that into my language. You want exposed brick, but only on two or perhaps three of the walls. Or maybe instead of on all walls, we go for the bottom half of each wall. The result will be to ensure that a substantial portion of the walls are exposed brick, but not all of them. And I think your reasoning is that you love this hipster look, but if it is only exposed brick, then it looks too much like an abandoned warehouse, which you don’t want.
Which architect gives you more confidence? I thought so.
Note here that I used a little trick, I began with the phrase, “let me translate that into my language.” I often start my repetitions with this phrase because it makes clear the purpose of the repetition “my language” means the way I understand it in my head, so it will be clear that I have internalized what they want.
But there is another advantage to repeating everything back: it brings misunderstandings to light. Sometimes, my rewording is slightly off from what the client intended (and, believe it or not, occasionally wildly off), and when I repeat it back, it will bring that to light so they can correct me. So, the repetition does serve a directly useful purpose, too.
I learned this trick in a funny way. Years ago, a friend was considering opening a tip-only restaurant. I got curious and started investigating what makes people tip more or less and it turns out there is a whole section of academic literature researching this topic! And one of the patterns that waiters can employ to consistently increase the number of tips they receive is to repeat the order back to their clients as soon as they order. And I thought, “hmm, maybe this applies in other situations, too.” So next time you’re in TGIF and the waiter does that, remember this chapter.
There is one particular case where doing this is even more important than usual: during fights or moments of tension. When there’s a fight or tension, it psychologically becomes difficult to read the other person. Misunderstanding builds on misunderstanding, and that’s how small fights balloon into big ones. A great tool I use to help diffuse fights as they’re just starting is to repeat back the other side’s argument in such a positive way that he would agree with. That shows him how I’m not trying to get him but rather, really trying to understand him.
Fundamentally, though, the issue is that clarity is hard, and in a visual medium, it’s twice as hard. And repetition, as annoying as it is, gives clarity to the other side that you’re paying attention very closely, and paying attention very closely is half the battle of ensuring you understand what they say.
