I once went through a phase where everyone I met, the first question I would ask them was this:
“If you could only be one of these two at an extreme level, with none of the other, which would you rather be, respected or liked? There’s no right or wrong answer, just tell me the first instinct that comes to your mind.”
This engendered lots of very interesting conversations and among my social circles, the answers were split 50/50. Feel free to use this as a conversation started and thank me in your mind. Warning: people will think you’re intense and a bit weird so make sure you’re ready for that.
But only one person ever noticed something and called me on it. She said, “You’re just reframing Machiavelli’s observation that you have to choose whether you want to be loved or respected.” Heh, of course. I was just updating his point for the modern way of thinking about things.
Machiavelli’s classic point is that you need to choose one or the other because, in almost all situations at almost all times, you just can’t have it both ways. And it’s a true point, or at least balancing the two is near-impossible, so you always end up falling onto one side or the other.
Let’s apply the Kantian way of approaching the question: let’s compare the extremes. And let’s do it in a work context, where you want your boss or client to love working with you.
Do you think he will value and reward the jokester guy that is just a load of fun to work with more than the nice good guy who makes lots of fun jokes and is the center of the team lunches and after-work drinks?
Or do you think he will value and reward the guy who perhaps no one “likes” in a “friend” way, but who is so deeply respected by everyone in the company and the company’s clients, that his words are listened to with awe, that his suggestions are implemented and followed, whose strategies are easily adopted by the corporate culture?
The question answers itself, and that is despite the word “love” (or “beloved”) being in the title of this series.
But one complexity is that you may have spent your whole life focusing on being liked, not respected, so you don’t even know what to do or how to do it or feel like it’s not in your personality.
And if that’s the case, then remember: there’s no time to start like the present. And there’s no playbook on how to be respected, but you can piece it together. Following all the recommendations in this series is a useful start since many or probably most of the suggestions here are about building respect and credibility with your bosses and clients (since that is the key to making them love working with you.) In addition to that, picture someone whom you respect, and try to emulate him or her, what would that person do at each juncture. How would that person dress? Does the person come to the office in ripped jeans or with matching, on-target clothing? How does that person talk? Does that person gossip about others and if so, how and when does he or does he not do so? And so on and so forth. In other words, a great model to mature into someone you’re not is to find a model, ask yourself what the model’s secrets and strategies are to do that, and slowly try to adopt the “best of.”
Two qualifications are helpful to keep in mind. One is that you probably can be both, simultaneously, if it’s just a moderate amount of each side. Yes, there are plenty of people who I like just a little bit, and also respect just a little bit. The power of this dichotomy is forcing you to consciously choose which side of the balance to be on because they are very different styles with very different consequences. The other qualification is that there are definitely some people who are able to achieve extreme respect and love simultaneously. But those people are the one in a million superstars, and I really hope that you, dear reader, are one of them; and we need to remember that, no matter how great you are, and I’m sure you are, the statistics are weighed against you actually being one of them.
My personal take—and this is just for me personally, since everyone needs to find the balance right for them—is that I respect is about survival and once you are surviving and thriving, being liked is about the quality of life. And as such, it makes sense to prioritize respect over being liked. But that’s just for me; to compare the two extremes again: fundamentally, the guy respected but not liked is the uber-effective CEO (did anyone truly like Steve Jobs? The stories of him ripping off even Steve Wozniak and even those closest to him never end) and the guy liked but not respected is the clown. If you can’t find the perfect balance, would you rather be the unloved CEO or the class clown? There’s no right or wrong answer here, and the universe is vast with room for lots of types of people; you just need to choose which one you’d like to be because if you don’t choose, the universe will choose for you.
