Unsurprisingly, the boss or client I want to have is the one that treats me precisely according to the tips outlined in all of these chapters (which is just like how I treat him, of course.)
Guess what, that boss probably doesn’t exist. If he does, then it’s really unlikely you get him as a boss. “Because statistics,” as they say these days.
There are two reasons for this. The less interesting reason is that these principles articulate an awesome, healthy, and respectful way of working. But guess what? It’s just always the case that most people won’t be as awesome, healthy, or respectful as you would want them to be. It’s the way of the world, for better or worse. Hey, I wish every single person I met had a Nobel prize but if they did, then the Nobel prize would be meaningless. The best bosses are the best for a reason.
But the more interesting reason is that: relationships—even good, healthy relationships—aren’t equal; they’re symmetrical.
What I mean by that is the following: if you expect to give someone X, and they don’t give you X back, you’ll be disappointed.
If you spend 60 minutes a day, every single day of your life, discussing a friend’s problems, don’t expect him to also spend 60 minutes a day, every single day of his life, discussing your problems. Your friendship isn’t equal, because no friendships are.
If you spend 22% of your income paying for your apartment rental, don’t expect your live-in girlfriend to also pay 22% of her income paying for the apartment rental as well. Your relationship isn’t equal, because no relationships are.
If you assiduously write up all your meeting notes (as I’ve recommended) and write up the meeting agenda (as I’ve recommended) and provide constant context (as I’ve recommended) and so forth, don’t expect your client or boss, or manager to do the exact same things to you. Your work relationship isn’t equal, because no relationships are.
Said more directly, because he’s the one paying, he can get away with much more behavior than the other way around. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing and doesn’t speak badly of him, it’s just reality.
Unfortunately, I know too many people who expect any or all relationships to be equal. And they almost always get bitterly disappointed and really angry at the other when it turns out they’re not. And I don’t want you to become one of those bitter, angry people at your boss or client—because if you are, it’s just the antithesis of making him love working with you.
Here’s what healthy relationships are: they’re symmetrical. And by that, I mean that each one provides very different things but, in a complementary and respectful way towards the other. One provides protection and the other emotional support. One pays for the party, and the other does the hard work organizing the party. One provides the big vision, the other plans how to bring it down to earth. One sings, and the other plays the guitar. One writes the music, the other writes the lyrics.
I hope your manager treats you in the way you should (and hopefully do) treat him. But when he doesn’t, don’t blame him. As your boss, he has much more leeway to treat you not-as-perfectly as you do. So, look at what he does give you. And so long as he’s respecting you, then give him the benefit of the doubt. And only you can define what is or isn’t “respect” for you.
