Breaking news, stop the headlines: your bosses and clients are human too!
I know, shocking revelation, and of course the sort of subtle insight you’re expecting from this series.
A just slightly-less-obvious implication of this is that as humans they have a characteristic in common with everyone—they like compliments. Everyone does. Even you do.
If someone never compliments you, you eventually start to wonder, “do they appreciate all the work I’m putting in for them?” How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child! as King Lear reminds us. And since the boss often feels a responsibility to take care of his team like that of a parent to his child, that metaphor does hold. A simple compliment goes a very long way towards making him feel appreciated.
But here’s the problem: almost no one gets the frequency of compliments to their boss or their client right. Either you fall into the “never” or “almost never” category, or you fall into the “all the time” (also known as the “bootlicker”) category.
The second category (the “bootlicker”) doesn’t work because complimenting the other so much results in a devaluation of the compliments and the boss or client will think you don’t mean it (or you’re too easily impressed with too low standards.)
The first category, the never-complimenter, runs the serpent’s tooth risk, making the boss or client feel like he’s helping you out, choosing you to do this role, and you don’t appreciate it that much. Yes, you do a good job—and that’s a start. It’s not bad. It’s just not going the extra mile to make it clear to him that you do indeed appreciate it.
The balance I’d recommend is the occasional compliment, with once per 2 or 3 months being a good rhythm for many situations. But every situation is different, every relationship is different. A rule of thumb to use is to choose a level that you think is good. If you’re a shy person, then choose a regularity that’s a bit more frequent than you’re comfortable with. If you’re a social person, then choose a regularity that’s a bit less frequent than you’d ideally do.
And there’s a way to do it even better than that: make the compliments a bit subtle. The subtle compliment is hard to master, but it is useful. The easiest way to give someone a subtle compliment is to just guess what everyone else is complimenting him on and compliment on something else. Life Pro Tip: if you ever meet a celebrity, famous for being great at [something], you may want to experiment with not mentioning that [something] to him or her, but instead, compliment them on some aspect of their lives or work that has nothing to do with what they’re famous for.
