Sometimes, when working with a client or any manager, you’ll mess up. I know you will, no matter how great you are, because you are human. Sorry to say so, but sadly it’s true.
And guess what? From your client’s, or your boss’s point of view, it’s okay if you mess up. They know you’re human and they don’t expect you to be a superhuman machine. Of course, they wouldn’t mind if you were, but most people are realistic enough to know you aren’t a magician endowed with God-like superpowers.
But here’s where it gets tricky: when you do mess up, most people deal with it wrong. Most people just can’t apologize.
It’s really common, overwhelmingly common, for people to apologize by using a word like “Sorry.” By having verbalized the sound “sorry,” they think that an apology was communicated. But that word, on its own, never conveys an apology, or at least never an apology that would be accepted by the other side.
Why not? I would argue that an apology needs three components, and if it doesn’t have all three components then it just isn’t an apology and will be ignored. Here they are.
- A clear and unequivocal, unqualified admission of guilt, in strong and direct language, with no footnote, excuse, or justification. This is essential because as long as there is a “but…” then it comes off to the other side like you’re not truly owning our mistake.
- It must explain WHY you did that thing, but not a BS explanation: a real explanation, looking deep inside yourself. This is essential because if you just say “I’m sorry,” even with no “but” and no “qualification,” it will never be clear to the other side whether you really understand what you actually did wrong or if you’re just trying to make the situation go away. But if you explain why you did it, then it clearly shows the other side that the situation caused some introspection on your part and you internalized what you did wrong.
- A clear plan that you will commit to and that will ensure you will never do it again. This is essential because without this, then—even if you understand what you did wrong—the problem can happen again and again. “Understanding” isn’t the same as “preventing.” So, from your boss’ or client’s point of view, the problem is still there, even if you fully own it and even if you fully understand why it happened.
That’s it. If only one or two (or none) of these elements are present, I don’t consider it an apology.
Consider a hypothetical example, using another type of relationship—dating—as a comparison since these rules of relationships, when viewed from the eyes of other relationships, become clearer. Imagine you and your life partner have one cardinal rule: you can never kiss anyone else. Then one night, your partner returns home at 8am, you ask if they kissed anyone else and your partner responds, “Yeah, sorry, but because had just had a fight, I just assumed we were on a break. Hey I forgot to tell you but tonight I’m leaving on a work trip on a Caribbean Island, I’ll talk to you in a few weeks.”
Do you see how, in that example, your hypothetical partner used the word “sorry”—and I hope your real partner isn’t like that!—and, even so, it just doesn’t feel like your partner means it?
The reason why it doesn’t feel like a true apology is precisely because that example lacked ALL THREE requirements, despite using the word “sorry.” Your hopefully-not-real partner apologized with a qualification, makes it sound like your partner didn’t mean the apology; there is no self-reflection or introspection as to the reason why your partner did it, and there’s no mechanism proposed to prevent it from happening again.
Here is what your hopefully-not-real partner should have said instead: “I did. I really, really messed up last night. I’m sorry, I know how important monogamy is to us and I can’t believe I hurt you like that. I took some cocaine and it made me crazy and my whole body went limp, I couldn’t do anything. But on the bus home this morning, recovering, I had two revelations. The first is, I just have no resistance to cocaine or any drug—if it’s in front of me, I’ll take it. So, I realized that what I need to do, from now on, for the rest of my life is to avoid situations where there are likely to be any drugs. Remember my cool friend Johanna? Yeah, I’m never going to her parties again, period, because there will be drugs. And the second thing I realized is this: remember I used to joke about ‘The Mike Pence Rule,’ how our Vice President has a personal rule of never, ever being alone with a girl other than his family? I used to laugh at him, but I realized he’s actually right. It’s just too risky. So, I’m committing to you to adopt my own version of the Mike Pence rule: onwards, for the rest of our lives together, and I hope you can forgive me and we’re together the next thousand years, and for these next thousand years, I’m going to just make sure I’m always in public places with other guys, never alone, no matter what. But only for a thousand years, I can’t make any promises about what will happen in 1,001 years!”
Do you see how the second apology feels believable in a way the first one doesn’t? The key difference between them is that the second one satisfies all three criteria, and the first one satisfies none of them. Your partner owns the mistake; shows introspection as to why it happened and sets forth a strategy to minimize the chance of it happening again. If all three aren’t present, then most people’s minds nor hearts would process it as an apology. It’s just a word salad otherwise.
This is a fun example, but it is very relevant in client relationships. In fact, this chapter is a variation of a much more vulgar version I wrote to an acquaintance who made a huge mistake with a client and wouldn’t apologize for it even though he sincerely thought he did apologize! After all, client relationships are just like dating relationships, and working together is a lot like dating or getting married. So, the clearest way to understand problems and solutions in one of those domains is to think about it from the other perspective.
Let’s end with a recent, real-life example. I recently had a catch-up call, virtual Skype drinks with an old friend scheduled. But I slept through it. I just sent him the following email to apologize. What’s interesting about this is: one, this email sounds sincere not only because it actually is sincere (that’s not enough!) but because it also satisfies all three criteria; and two, the above example is a big, emotional one, in a high-stakes, life-changing context. The below, on the other hand, is a good example of how these same principles can be applied in low-stakes, less-important, friendly contexts as well. Imagine a colleague of yours not completing a task by a deadline and then sending you this email:
I’m REALLY sorry
I didn’t sleep for a few nights, I was so exhausted last night that at ~8pm-ish I collapsed.
I’ve been up all night almost every night this summer being amazingly productive and having fun with no noise, distractions, etc… So after a few all-nighters like I was 21 years old, I was sooo tired that I collapsed a bit before our call :(
I wish I had a better excuse like “My Grandmother ate my homework” but I don’t.
Let’s reschedule… maybe next week, when I’m alone again? But I’ll take some modafinil first to make sure I don’t fall asleep.
I’m sorry again.
While this example is informally written, note that it does hit all three requirements, and as a result, it sounds sincere and powerful.
