Imagine this situation. You hire a great architect to redesign your house. He messes up, perhaps in a huge way. (Even if in a small way, the same story applies just as much; just with weaker force.) You criticize him clearly, directly, and in a respectful way. The architect then just doesn’t respond and changes the topic.
How would you feel?
Not necessarily bad. Some people get angry upon being criticized—that should always be avoided unless strategic and on purpose. Some people need time to think about it, absorb it, let it sink in. Those people often just don’t respond to criticism because they truly just need time to internalize it. That’s not bad at all; that’s actually very healthy.
But here’s why getting introspective and quiet and not responding, while not bad, is also not great. Here’s why. How would you feel if the architect you hired, upon your serious but respectful criticism, turned stoic? While you intellectually would understand why he was quiet, emotionally, you would be screaming or thinking on the inside, “he should acknowledge it and apologize.”
Yes, that is ideal, and make sure you follow our guidance on how to apologize. But sometimes you’re just not ready to because you need to think about it and internalize. So, what should you do in those situations?
The best strategy is to ask for details or more explanation. It’s perfect to use language along the lines of “I want to be sure I understand what happened and what I did wrong” and then you can repeat back to them your understanding of the criticism. Or if that requires too much confidence, then just ask a question to get more information. Really, any question that is diving in.
The power behind asking a question, in this context, is that you’re demonstrating that you’re engaged with the criticism of you. And demonstrating that you’re engaged with the criticism signals powerfully that you will consider it seriously at a later point. And as such, it’s infinitely better than no response.
But all of this is assuming your boss or client criticized you respectfully. And what if your boss or client criticized you disrespectfully? You don’t deserve that—in fact, no one does. In that situation, I would clearly and strongly ask him to never criticize me disrespectfully again, including explaining why and how it was disrespectful. And if he does it one or two more times, despite clearly asking him not to? That’s when you quit.
