There’s a simple rule of socialization that most people I know seem to have learned when they were in middle school but, alas, I never did but a decade or two later, so I want to share it now just in case you didn’t. Anything you ever say behind anyone’s back will get back to them. Just assume that before you say anything.
This is sometimes called the “Jumbotron Rule”: assume anything you write down will be put on the Jumbotron in the Yankees’ Stadium for the world to see. That can be interpreted in a few ways, but the angle I’m going to take here is to emphasize that one of the people who will see the Jumbotron is the person you are talking about.
Okay, so there are a few subtleties to this insight that aren’t captured in Kindergarten class that are worth mentioning.
First, no one likes being talked about negatively. Not even your boss. I’ve fired at least one person the moment I discovered she was saying shit about me. It got back to me because it always does.
Second, this is true of even minor, seemingly innocent criticisms. Like clothing. Unfortunately, most people have thin skins.
Third, even when the only person you’re telling is your best friend, it will still somehow leak. It always does. This is why lawyers have the concept of “privilege,” you have to go to extreme legal lengths to minimize the chance of it leaking.
But there’s a bigger question: who do you want to be? Do you want to be the bitchy complainer? If you want to be that person, just be sure and confident that that is who you want to be. For me and my preferences, I think that it is better to quit and leave the job than to be the asshole sitting around complaining.
Aristotle observed that “virtue is a habit” and he means that, to be a good person, you don’t just think the good deeds and you don’t just do it once in one particular situation. You have to practice it, to get used to it, until it is internalized. The same principle applies here.
But the argument here isn’t even just for a general virtue or being a good person—although that’s probably also true—but from simple self-interest. It will get back to you and bite you in the tushy! It’s too risky.
Of course, there may be a time and place for it. Let’s say you purposefully want to craft a reputation as someone who is like that. Or let’s say you want to anger that person because him being angry would help you achieve some other result. There are cases like that where it is fine. But remember, make sure you do it on purpose, not accidentally nor out of the laziness of not thinking through the consequences of what you do.
Finally—and perhaps most importantly—if you are going to say something negative about someone, it’s always better to first say it directly to their face. Why? The problem isn’t so much that you said something negative, but that you were talking behind their back. “If they’re saying this, what else are they saying that hasn’t gotten back to me?” It raises much bigger doubts about you and your integrity than any benefit you get from actually saying those words. The harder part is, of course, saying it directly to their faces, and other chapters in this series will deal with that.
